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I am taking a blogging break for a little while. I am in the process of getting all of my challenges for 2011 picked out so you'll see a bunch of those posts.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

A True Story

Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ...

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9 comments:

Book Crazy Jenn said...

LOL that's great! :) Thank you for giving me a smile today!

Lily Child said...

LOL! This is hilarious! and very, very true...

A Buckeye Girl Reads said...

As a pet lover, I loved this!

Mary Ann DeBorde said...

Not only did I really love & approve this post, but more importantly - so did my CATS LOL

Truth - am trying to type right now with a purring kitty in my lap with one paw draped over my left arm =D

kittyism said...

Love this! I never have bathroom privacy because my boy kitty Goblin has figured out how to open the door. I have to let call him to go in with me if I don't want to flash anyone who happens to be in the hallway.

Still, I do like him better than most of the people I've met.

Wonderful post. :)

Michelle @ The True Book Addict said...

I hope you know that you had me laughing out loud when I was reading this! Too funny! As a cat lover, I agree with every single thing you said here. Thanks for the laugh =O)

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

Oh my! Tooo funny! TOo true!

The Book Junkie's Bookshelf said...

Isn't it AMAZING how incredibly accurate this is?! Most of this applies to both of my dogs....As a matter of fact my dogs HATE it when I close the door to my room on them on the days that I work...It's not that I don't love them....I just like to sleep and Gus refuses to get up on the bed by herself (even though I've seen her do it!)

Jennifer (Crazy-for-Books) said...

Oh I love this!!!! It is all SO true!!! I have a 20lb schnauzer sitting in my lap as I type this!! Another schnauzer is chewing on a bone and my spaniel mix is stalking the schnauzer with the bone, waiting for him to turn his head so she can steal the bone. They are a hoot to watch! LOVED this post! Thanks for the smile!